


New Song, Same Old Dance

by SesshomaruFreak, thedrunkenwerewolf, Timewaster123456789



Series: Heirverse: Phase 1 (Game) [13]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Implied Sexual Content, Introspection, M/M, Mind Games, POV First Person, Relationship Problems, Scheming, Self Confidence Issues, Symbolism, Trust Issues, Voice, Wolf Den Tavern
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-27 00:30:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18187517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SesshomaruFreak/pseuds/SesshomaruFreak, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedrunkenwerewolf/pseuds/thedrunkenwerewolf, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Timewaster123456789/pseuds/Timewaster123456789
Summary: Aizen rethinks his situation and more importantly Gin's, after the battle with Grand Fisher.





	New Song, Same Old Dance

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing merely playing in Wolfie's universe, citrus by SesshomaruFreak. Aizen POV.

I showed my hand last night. This is unacceptable. In light of the voice's increased aggression, continued closeness, let alone open neediness on my part is likely to be detrimental possibly fatal to me but more importantly to you. If nothing else, yesterday's events have shown me how dangerous our situation is becoming. I'm being disingenuous, forgive me it's a bit of a habit, you might say my art. My situation has been dangerous since I made the pact or before, I'm choosing to place you in that same situation for my own comfort and sanity and it must end.

Put simply you are better off without me, I'm not sure that I can say the same, I wish I could. For many years I thought, hoped that would be the case. Sheer arrogance, another habit of mine, I never thought I'd be this weak, but it needs to stop. Precisely  _because_  I'm weak and the voice will use that now that it knows, now that in my fear I've confirmed it. I signed your warrant and all I can do is make sure you're not around for it to be executed. I never thought I'd fear anything again and that surety gave me strength, my foolish belief that the voice had nothing to hold over me. No longer, and I can feel its pleasure.

I admit that years ago, in a couple of weaker moments I would reveal myself, a trembling hand, allowing my voice to shake.

' _Allow?'_  the voice is whispering at me, sneering, I can ignore it...for now.

At first I thought you just weren't good with subtlety. Over time though I saw—and here can admit: admired-—how perceptive you were and realized that you simply didn't want to know. You chose to not know how broken I was. I can hardly blame you, I was being pathetic, an attention whore and after all you were already getting what you wanted. I would have done the same had our positions been reversed. In fact ninety-nine point seven percent of the time I was grateful for this. I'm fully aware you would leave if you knew the truth, who wouldn't?  _I_  would avoid me if I could. The voice was right about one thing, this is never going to get better. Our relationship whatever it was, was never meant to last, never could last.

But then why did you save me from Grand Fisher? I think that the implicit acknowledgement that maybe you need me half as much as I need you was part of the reason I lost control. No more excuses though, no more clinginess, no more bullshit I need to get you out of this mess.

In fact maybe I should just tell you? It would be the quickest way to end this even if my pride recoils from the thought.

' _If you tell him, he'll alert the authorities,'_  the voice snarls, '  _I can't allow that.'_

' _He won't,'_ I reply, it's not faith it's fact.

' _Our mission is too important to take that risk.'_

' _There's no risk.'_

' _Yeah there is,'_ the voice says ominously and I'm treated to visions of your bloody, broken corpse.

' _So be it,'_ I snap, though I know it's futile.

' _I'm in your head! Don't bluff me,'_ the voice retorts. ' _Really I'm disappointed, I thought you were better than that.'_

X

I leave early for work so I can get a little time to think before you arrive at the office. I need to think, plan. I would prefer to do this in a way that won't make you actually hate me. I know that's selfish but I really don't want you to hate me. The day passes and I come up with nothing, no plan, no new angle. I can't even do  _this_ right. I should be able to do this in my sleep I cast people off all the time but now? I can't even think straight.

That night we go out. I take you to the Wolf Den, it's a little lowbrow for my taste but you're more comfortable going back to your roots and I as always, have an ulterior motive. You get a little wasted and so I try to redirect your energy toward the bartender who's obviously checking you out. This never goes well but I'm running out of options so again I try to remove you, gently.

I will never understand how you are so oblivious. Don't you know how gorgeous you are? How much better you could do? I've come to the conclusion that you have one of two motives. Either you're status climbing, which would make sense, I know how insecure you are even if you won't admit it. I've tried to help, have probably made it worse knowing me. The other option is that maybe you just like knowing that you  _can_  do better. It might be a simple power play, that seems more likely than you caring about what anyone thinks.

I direct your attention back to your suitor, you get a short attention span when you're drunk.

"Eh. 'E ain't you," you reply smoothly.

"Still you could do worse," I say and for the record, I blame drink for the choked way the words come out. Thankfully you either don't notice or chalk it up to drink as well.

"Said I'm not interested. Whas' wi' ya t'night?" You ask.  _For once_   _I'm trying to put your interests first._   _I want you to pursue literally any option other than me. He could give you what I can't, with his whole, intact heart,_ is what I want to say. Instead, I paste on a smirk.

"You know I might not always be around," I sneer, glad my voice doesn't crack despite outward confidence. You swat me and don't even dignify it with a reply. I laugh even though what's left of my black, burned heart bleeds for you. Don't you know, at least guess how much better off we'd both be if I weren't in your life?

I 'm poison, the voice is poison. Please leave while I still have some self-control. I want you to be safe. Please go away, before I remember how lost I'll be without you. I take another shot though I know I don't need it, I'm already buzzed and I should really keep my edge tonight.

I can tell that I've annoyed you and it doesn't take some one of my intellect to know how. I just wish you knew how much I have your interest, as well as mine at heart. I'm deluded, mad, insane, broken, pathetic. Don't you get it? You'd be dodging a hado, yet still you profess your loyalty.

X

Gin watched Aizen take another drink, confident, suave, powerful everything that he wished  _he_  was.  _You're still trying to push me to that blond bitch. I don't get it. Are you sick of me? If so why not just say it? I've seen how cruel you can be, why pull punches now?_ he wondered.

Aizen looked pained. He wished he knew how to help, wished that he could  _offer_ help without insulting his husband, but how did one help the sun? Aizen never had liked hubris in anyone but himself. Gin could imagine his reaction to such an effort easily enough, so he held his peace and thought back to the previous night when his sun had seemed less a god and almost, dare he say: human.

Gin knew that he was flattering himself to believe that Aizen could ever need him, the way he needed his sun. The thought almost made him laugh. Still Aizen seemed half-disgusted, half-pitying as he looked back at Gin. He would have assumed that he was about to break-up with him, if he didn't know that the chessmaster had no pity for his dupes.

He was aware that he was being self-pitying as well, but after the fight with Grand Fisher the day before he'd thought something had changed for the better, thought that maybe Aizen'd finally learned to trust him a little. He should have known better, but something had told him that it wasn't part of the game. That it'd come from a genuine, real place, a tiny flaw in the callousness that he wielded like a sword. Another part of him though, the part rational enough to deny his desire, the part Aizen had trained knew that it wasn't likely. Instinct versus rationality yet another way they were different.

X

I call for the check and we walk out hand in hand, you smile up at me a soft, tender thing, drink has pulled all the cunning from your eyes. I smile back and that necrotic heart breaks a bit more. With every gesture, every expression I lie and you fall for it, it used to bring me pleasure, might still if it was anyone but you. I feel lower than the lowest worm as I ply my art and simultaneously wrack my brilliant mind for a way out of this mess. The voice's laughter is distracting but there's nothing I can do about that. I realize we've stopped and you're staring up at Vulpecula.

"S' beautiful ain't it?" you ask, thoroughly engrossed in your favorite constellation.

"Like you," I reply, following the script, hating the part. You give me a playful shove and almost fall over, I steady you.

"Th'nks."

"Always," I lie. You melt, blushing and turn away, trying to cover it with a cough. I smirk because it's the way the script goes. I wonder how far you'll fall when I do push you off that cliff. I sincerely hope that someone will catch you, I'm sorry I can't. I'm sorry it went this far, that I can't protect you, that I have to toss you away. Really though you'll be better for it.

I feel you tug my hand and you look back having started moving on without me. Fitting. I follow, the wind cuts through leafless trees like a cold knife and makes my eyes water, I raise my free arm for protection as we hurry along.

We get home and I watch as you set about making tea your hands shaking from the cold, I wonder how many more times I'll be able to. Not many hopefully, for eternity if I could. I can't. Mercy is not generally counted among my many talents but I'm doing this for you. You will be safer this way, happier, even if you never forgive me. It's ironic really you were the one person I never enjoyed hurting.

"Thanks," I say taking the cup of tea you give me. I take a sip to hide my expression and when I look up you're smiling, holding out a deck of cards, I make myself smile in return and we settle down to play. You've gotten much better over the years and can give me a real game now, as is befitting of my equal, my partner. I give up. Tonight I'll pretend that's still what you are and tomorrow I'll tell you you're nothing. We play long into the night and eventually sober up enough to switch to bridge.

"I think I'm done," you say, yawning and I feel a lump form in my throat even though logically I know you mean the game. Context is everything.

"Same, don't want to be too tired," I say putting the cards away.

"Like that would happen," you reply. I laugh that's the script just like the activities that will cap off the night. It doesn't matter that all I want is for this night to never end. It doesn't matter that like the addict who finally decides to quit after putting it off time and again I feel like this is the last night of my life. It doesn't matter that the primary thought in my mind is just to lie like we did last night for as long as possible and if something else happens fine, if not what difference does it make? As long as it meant I could enjoy the night a little longer. The slow drags on a last cigarette, half shots from a final bottle of sake.

It doesn't matter, you follow the same script and you don't know tonight's the finale.

X

Gin's mind was in overdrive as he led the older man down the hall to their room. Aizen had been acting the part tonight, but he'd seen the troubled expression when his companion had thought he wasn't looking.

But he was always looking.

He wondered what could be so distracting as to trouble the chessmaster. Wondered if perhaps he was thinking of someone else.

Well, he knew how to fix  _that._

When they reached their room, Gin had Aizen sit on the edge of the bed, then slowly, teasingly, stripped. Dark brown eyes were fixed on him, no longer looking as troubled.

He stepped out of the puddle of clothes at his feet and approached his lover. Seductively, he undressed the taller Soul Reaper, then climbed in his lap. Finally, the dark eyes cleared completely, fully focused on him and full of desire.

They moved together, complementing each other's moves. It was their private dance, one Gin hoped they'd never stop dancing.

X

I wake the next morning and smile when I see you next to me before remembering that this may be the last time. I leave you your tea for what may, WILL be the last time and go into work. I swagger into division headquarters, it's overkill and the voice is bitching that I'll blow our cover but I don't care. I need to project confidence or people will know something's up. I can see the envy in the lower ranks eyes and hear the whispers going around, the rumor mill already kicking into gear.

I don't particularly care what people think as long as you're at my side but it's still good for the ego to see people take note of my power and jockey for position and favor. At that point, very shortly you won't be at my side. When I ditched Uruhara, I was already planning how I was going to flaunt your affection for maximum effect. I was already riding the old thrill of rejecting someone, showing them how worthless they are, how superior I am. I feel none of that this time, just a bone deep ache and sadness.

"What's got you in such a good mood Aizen-taichou?" my fourth seat asks, handing me the day's requisition forms.

"I don't kiss and tell," I smirk.

"You only kiss G…Ichimaru-Fukutaichou," he says changing his words at my glare. That feels good too.

"Unless that's not true," he perks up. I smirk even though the mere thought disgusts me. Let the rumor mill run, maybe that will help scare you off.

I sit down at my desk and begin going through the reports. My mind's not on the task, it's again going double speed trying to figure out what to say to you. My fourth seat gave me an idea. An idea that would make clear my desire to get rid of you and at the same time hopefully ameliorate the pain of the break-up a little. I leave the completed promotion recommendation on my desk and set about pulling strings to get Kira for your vice. Always five moves ahead, I can simply make sure someone is there to catch you.

When I told you the story of Clytie and Helios I think you missed the point. It wasn't about love, I'm incapable of that at least in the sense that other people have the capacity. Some of it was seduction sure but there are layers to everything right? Context is everything and that was not a declaration of love at least not solely. It was a warning and for both our sakes, I wish and will wish until my dying day that you'd heeded it.

I go home late that night as usual, in apparently vain, hopes that you'll choose to leave as I ignore you more and more, act more distant in an effort to make you look for better companionship. You pretend not to notice but eventually you must see that I don't want you and why again do you pretend to want me? You answer the door with Cherry in your arms, a big smile and I can smell the meal you've cooked on the table.

"What's the occasion?"

"Ah got bored," you reply with a mischievous smile. Well maybe on you it's just a smile, my cunning little fox. I raise an eyebrow and enter. We eat dinner, unwinding from the day and I say nothing. Despite the sword hanging over our heads, things don't seem quite so dark, the situation not quite so dire and I wonder what I'll do once my light is gone.

' _Coward. You aren't worried about Gin you're just scared. He'll be better off without you. You on the other hand…_  ' as usual the voice is going on about things I already know. Your laughter cuts across it and I suppress a sigh. I don't want to ruin the moment, for now I'll pretend that everything will work out, that every evening will be like this for the rest of my life. Tomorrow I'll tell you that you're nothing. It's my deepest desire that you find the peace and happiness that you have afforded me, my deepest regret that I cannot provide it.

I love you Gin.


End file.
